First I would like to say sorry in advance if this blog is all over the place. My thoughts are scattered right now but I feel that I need to get out as much as I can.
Let's start with the fact that my son is not sleeping at night. I feel like I have a newborn all over again. He refuses to sleep in his big boy bed and want's to sleep in my bed (which isn't going to happen) so instead he sleeps in the floor beside my bed. He won't listen and just all out does what he wants. He is such a future man in the making. At this time he refuses to go to bed when it's time. He waits until we go to bed. No, he isn't taking too long of naps at night, he actually refuses to take them. So, I know he is pretty exhausted when it's time to go to bed but he won't stay in his room. We even got him his own TV and DVD player so he could watch a movie to go to sleep. Nothing is working and I am hitting my exhaustion point. Since he has started this new, "I'm not going to sleep" thing it is making it hard for me to meditate and be able to center myself. I really don't know what to do.
To add to it, my husband and I are having a ton of trouble. He hasn't worked in about 3 years because of medical issues. Financially we are strapped. Emotionally, I don't feel a connection anymore. We have debated divorce but I think both of us are scared to do it. I know that I should go ahead and separate but I guess I'm scared to handle everything on my own. If we do separate my dad want's me to move near him to save money but I really don't want to move again. I like the house I am in, Jason like's it and it keeps me close to everyone I need to be close to. I definitely know that I don't want to stay in a relationship just for my son but a part of me is scared to be alone. Last weekend I was supposed to have a girls weekend with Kris but even after I told him not to, my "loving" husband spent my entire paycheck without me knowing. I didn't think I needed to check the bank so I didn't. Little did I know he spent over $400 on stuff he didn't need...stuff I had already told him he couldn't buy. So, instead of spending the weekend with my sister I had to stay home and do nothing. I sent him on his way back to his families for the weekend so he could return what he had purchased. Well, guess what...that item is currently sitting in my kitchen floor because "they weren't open" and "I don't think they will take it back since I bought it on sale and got the warranty." Well I have news for him. That sucker is going back!
Now, to the problem of the week. Currently my best friend is mad at me. I am very outspoken but this time I guess I went too far. I am very concerned about her well being right now to the point that I worry all the time. I have known her for 20 something years and I have seen her go through a lot over the years. I have seen her go into some of her deepest darkest places and never want to see her end up there again. Unfortunately the way things are going I'm scared she is going to end up there if not worse. Today I seemed to open my mouth and say something that truly hurt her. I never, ever, EVER meant to hurt her. I am just tired of seeing her getting hurt all the time. I told her that she needed to stand up for herself and get the bad people out of her life right now. Well, this is paraphrased. I just don't want her to keep getting hurt. I really wish that I could do something to make things right for her. I love her more than any other friend I have ever had. She is my best friend, sister and soul sister. I would do anything for her. After we had our little fight today I felt like my heart was breaking. I love her too much to lose her as all of those things. I did something I don't normally do at work, I cried...I felt like I had lost her forever and it had only been minutes. I know that she is going through more than any one person should ever have to go through at one time. I completely feel for her more than she will ever know. It hurts me knowing she is going through all that she is and doesn't have a lot of support. I am trying to support her in anything I possibly can. So, if she will still allow me to, I still want to take her to dinner this weekend and go through with the plans that we had already made.
I'm sorry more than you will ever know. I just want to see you happy and healthy. You have been there for me more times than I can count and I want to be there for you. I love you!
Well, thank you everyone for listening. I really appreciate all the support I can get. Love you all!
Well that was sugar coated a lot! Gonna copy and paste what I got mad over. Then if anybody thinks I'm in the wrong then so be it. This is what was really said (I save the chat conversations in my email):
ReplyDeleteHeather: then what are you going to do?
1:22 PM you can't keep putting urself through all this stress
me: Looks like I'm going to blow up
and I've heard that about a million times too. I'm not doing it to myself I assure you of that
Heather: i know ur not but ur the one getting stressed out...no one else is
Wow.. everyone is going through loads!
ReplyDeleteFirstly.. Heather.. Staying together just because you are scared to be alone is the wrong thing to do.. I have been through Divorce.. well 2 actually.. and I would rather go through that again then live my life unhappy.. not to mention that it will be effecting the wee one whether you think it is or not.
As for the chat with Kris.. I think it was out of order.. we are all worried about Kris but it is NOT her fault she is stressed.. stress happens to people.. people don't just wake up one morning and decide they want to be stressed.. I totally understand why the things that where said where said but I think it may have been a poor choice of words and at the wrong time.. Best thing to do is to listen not give advice unless it is asked for.
These are MY opinions for what they are worth.
<3